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ASSERTIVENESS

The ability to put forward your case, for example,
the ability to state that:-
"This is who I am, what I think, and what I feel"
Being able to say what you want to say in a manner that
is acceptable to the listener

ASSERTIVENESS & INTERPERSONAL SKILLS
Definition of Assertiveness
Behavioural types
Costs and benefits of behaving :- Passively, Aggressively, Assertively
The non-aggressive cycle
Body language
Communication skills :- Listening, TA, Questioning
How to deliver criticism :-
How to make requests
Learn to say no
Disagree with others and state your views
Giving and receiving praise
Bill of Assertive Rights
Action Plan

The Assertive Personality
According to Webster's Third International Dictionary, the verb "assert" means:- to "state or affirm positively, assuredly, plainly, or strongly."
The assertive person possesses four characteristics:-
o They feel free to reveal themselves. Through words and actions they make the statements: "This is me. This is what I want. This is what I feel".
o They can communicate with people at all levels - with strangers, friends and family. This communication is always open, direct, honest and appropriate.
o They have an active orientation to life and go after what they want. In contrast to the passive person who waits for things to happen. They attempt to make things happen.
o They are aware that they cannot always win, and accept their limitations. They will always have a good try so that win, lose or draw, they maintain their self respect.

Source: - "Don't say yes when you want to say no", (Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Beer Dell Publishing Co 1975 p20.)


PARADYGM
The way we see our world,
our frame of reference, our perception
- therefore our reality

Indirect Aggressive Behaviour
(don't get mad - get even)
Often unrecognised, indirect aggressive behaviour is aggressive in its lack of respect for others, while passive in its indirectness and dishonesty. Procrastination, sniping, manipulation, sarcasm, sabotage and the use of guilt as a weapon, are common expressions of indirect aggressive behaviour. The indirect aggressive individual dishonestly presents his needs, handles conflicts indirectly and attacks others unfairly. Unlike the aggressive individual who leaves scars from his attacks, the indirect aggressive person uses well chosen barbs that hit the mark without leaving trace. Your integrity will always remain questionable in your relationships if you behave in this manner.

Key features of Indirect Aggressive behaviour
o Insincerity and ego boosting
o Veiled threats
o Beating around the bush before getting to the point
o Conning others to do what you want.
o Deciding for others, though they may not realise it
o Being skilled at deceiving others and needing to be in control
o Using guilt as a weapon

Basic Message Honesty Directness Fairness Impact on a given situation
Neither of us count Dishonest facts and feelings Indirect approach Unfair to both Parties "Game Playing"

Assertive Behaviour
(Being honest, direct and fair)
The assertive individual has respect for themselves and the people whom they are dealing with. They are able to accept both positive and negative qualities and in doing so, are able to become more accepting of others. They have no need to put others down and are able to state their own beliefs, opinions, desires and needs in a firm and open manner. The assertive individual is comfortable in making and refuting criticism. He is not "pushed around" or manipulated by others and neither does he succeed at the expense of others.

Key features of Assertive Behaviour
o Being honest, open and to the point.
o Saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
o Saying no when you want to.
o Giving praise and criticism.
o Sharing and taking responsibility for one's own feelings.
o Stating what you want, gently and firmly.
o Being able to change your action and choices.
o Being able to express the range of human emotions, including anger, sadness, anxiety and happiness.

Basic Message Honesty Directness Fairness Impact on a given situation
We both count Honest facts& feelings Direct approach Fair to both parties Clarity

The Non-Assertive Cycle
We are not saying we should behave assertively all the time
or that
Assertiveness is the most appropriate behaviour in all situations
but...
o Some people do not have the choice of behaving assertively as it is a behavioural pattern in which they are neither confident or skilled.
o Frequent non-assertion often results in a growing loss of self-esteem.
o Self-esteem is the evaluation you hold of yourself as a person and is often the underlying cause of non-assertion.
o It is your judgement of your worth as a person and is based upon the extent to which you believe yourself to be competent, significant and successful.
o If your self esteem is low, then you feel a degree of anxiety in certain situations.
o You may feel threatened by that situation and the people in it and therefore have great difficulty in behaving assertively.

Low self -esteem…….. feeling threatened
Either behave Aggressively or
behave Non-Assertively

So...
Why don't we act assertively?
1. Lack of awareness
2. Habit
3. Anxiety
4. Negative self-talk
5. Don't know what to say
6. Don't know how to say it
7. Don't believe we have the right

Why we act non-assertively

"Oh well, I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill."
"Oh well, it's just this once."
"I don't want to make a scene."
"But no-one else has ever complained."
"That's life; you can't change it."
"I might hurt her feelings."
"He won't like me anymore."
"She might get angry."
"I might get fired."
"They'll think I'm stupid."

Why we act aggressively
1 Accumulated bad feelings.
2 Frustration.
3 Belief that aggression is the only thing that will work.
4 Get a feeling of power from putting others down.
5 Feel threatened.
6 "I can't back down now"
7 Belief that one's image and self-respect depend on being aggressive.

Common Irrational beliefs
1. Everyone must like and approve of me at all times.
2. I must be perfect, totally competent, and productive in order to consider myself worthwhile.
3. It is a catastrophe when things are not the way I want them to be.
4. If something is dangerous or frightening, I should worry about the possibility of it happening.
5. Past events control my present behaviour.
6. It is easier to avoid than face certain difficulties in life.
7. Other people should act as I want, and I can and should control the behaviour of those around me.
8. There is always a correct and perfect solution to a problem, and it is a catastrophe if I don't find it.
9. When people do something bad, they should be blamed and punished.
10. My happiness is externally caused and controlled.
11. I should have someone stronger than myself on whom to depend.

Strategies for keeping yourself Non-Assertive
1. Don't express yourself in situations that are "trivial" - allow the frustration to build up until you explode inappropriately.
2. Envision that the only alternative to your typical way of behaving is the other extreme.
3. Believe that others can read your mind and recognise your subtle hints, so that you don't have to tell them how you are feeling.
4. Believe that others are responsible for how you feel about yourself and believe that they are required to take your best interests into account.
5. Assume that nothing you could do or say could change the situation.
6. Assume that others will get angry, won't listen, will think you are crazy, foolish, or too critical.
7. When others do get angry, do not listen, or think that you are crazy, foolish, or too critical. assume that that you have failed, that it is the end of the world, or that they will feel that way forever.
8. Don't allow yourself the consideration you allow to others.
9. Feel that trying once is enough.
10. Convince yourself that you must be perfect in all that you try to do, and believe that making a mistake makes you less of a person.

The components of Assertive Behaviour

Eye Contact
Looking directly at another person when you are speaking to him is an effective way of declaring that you are sincere about what you are saying, and that it is directed at him.

Body Posture
The "weight" of your messages to others will be increased if you face the person, stand or sit appropriately close to him, lean towards him, holding your head erect.

Gestures
A message accented with appropriate gestures takes on an added emphasis (over enthusiastic gestures can be a distraction!)

Facial Expressions
Ever seen someone trying to express anger whilst smiling or laughing? It just doesn't come across. Effective assertions require an expression that agrees with the message.

Voice tone, Inflection and Volume
A whispered monotone will seldom convince another person that you mean business, while a shouted epithet will bring his defences into the path of communication. A level, well-modulated conversational statement is convincing without being intimidating.

Timing
Spontaneous expression will generally be your goal since hesitation may diminish the effect of assertion. Judgement is necessary, however, to select an appropriate occasion, for example, such as speaking to your boss in the privacy of his office, rather than in front of a group of his subordinates where he may need to respond defensively.

Content
We save this obvious dimension of assertiveness for the last to emphasise the fact that, although what you say is clearly important, it is often less important than most of us generally believe. We encourage a fundamental honesty in interpersonal communication, and spontaneity of expression. In our view, that means saying forcefully "I'm damn mad about what you just did!" rather than saying "your a sod!" people who have for years hesitated because they didn't know what to say have found that the practice of saying something, to express their feelings at the time, to be a valuable step toward greater spontaneous assertiveness.
One further word about content. We do encourage you to express your own feelings and to accept responsibility for them. Note the difference in the above statement between "I'm mad & you're a sod!" It is not necessary to put the other person down (aggressive) in order to express your feeling (assertive).
Your imagination can carry you to a wide variety of situations which demonstrate the importance of the manner in which you express the assertions. Let it suffice to say here, that the time you may be spending thinking about "just the right words" will be better spent making those assertions! The ultimate goal is expressing yourself honestly and spontaneously, in a manner 'right for you.

Source: "Your perfect right" Robert E. Alberti & Michael L. Emmons, Impact Publishers 1976 (p. 3 1-32)


ASSERTIVE RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES
The following table lists some of the rights and responsibilities relevant to influence and assertiveness :-

Situation 1: - Making requests
Beliefs that inhibit Assertive Behaviour
1. If people refuse, it means they don't like or respect me.
2. It is an imposition on others to make requests.
3. It is a sign of weakness to ask for things.
4. My needs are not as important as the needs of others.
5. My needs are more important than others'.
6. Others have a right to refuse.
7. Others should be pleased to help me.
8. I have no right to ask.

Requesting Assertively
1. Don't apologise profusely.
2. Be direct.
3. Keep it short.
4. Don't justify yourself.
5. If you think it will help, give a reason for your request, BUT - make sure it's genuine.
6. Don't "sell" your request with flattery, or tempting benefits.
7. Don't play on people's friendship or good nature.
8. Don't take a refusal personally.
9. Respect the other person's right to say no.


Situation 2 :- Refusing Requests (Saying No!)

Beliefs that inhibit Assertive Behaviour
1. Saying 'no' is callous, uncaring and mean; it's selfish.
2. Saying 'no' over little things shows you're churlish, small minded or petty.
3. Others will feel hurt and angry if I refuse.
4. I have no right to refuse.
5. Saying 'no' will cause others to take offence.
6. People should sort themselves out.
7.. Others have no right to make requests of me.
8. If I keep meeting their requests they'll think I'm a 'soft touch'.

Refusing Assertively
1. Keep the reply short.
2. If you want, give a reason for refusing but DO NOT invent excuses.
3. Avoid "I can't" phrases - they will soon sound like excuses.
4. Don't apologise profusely.
5. Set honest limitations and/or possibilities.
6. Ask for clarification - what exactly, by when, etc.
7. Ask for more time to decide if you want to check on workloads, commitments etc.


Situation 3 :- Disagreeing with others and advocating your views

Beliefs that Inhibit Assertive Behaviour
1. Things are always black and white; there are no grey areas.
2. I'm more vulnerable if I'm seen to be wrong.
3. It will show weakness if I change my mind.
4. Disagreeing always leads to conflict, which is unpleasant.
5. Both parties can't be right.
6. I don't have the right to disagree.
7. Other people have the right to disagree with me.
8. I'm usually wrong anyway.


Disagreeing and Advocating your views Assertively
1. State disagreement clearly.
2. Express doubts in a constructive way.
3. Use 'I' statements to distinguish fact from opinion and your experience from that of others.
4. Change your opinion in the light of new information.
5. Give reasons for your disagreement if you think it will help.
6. State which parts you agree or disagree with.
7. Acknowledge other people's point of view.
8. Test your understanding of what is being said.
9. In the case of objections, use opportunity to create a sale.


Situation 4 :- Giving praise

Beliefs that inhibit Assertive Behaviour
1. It's soft to give praise
2. If I praise them they'll only start relaxing their standards.
3. They're only doing it for their own ends.
4. They'll be suspicious and think I want something more out of them.
5. People will only learn if you point out their mistakes, so praise doesn't serve any useful purpose.

Giving Praise Assertively
1. Maintain eye contact.
2. Keep the praise brief and clear.
3. Use 'I' statements
4. Make it specific
5. Mean it, or don't say it!

Situation 5 :- Receiving Praise

People are often uncomfortable when receiving praise. This is often because
our cultural upbringing develops certain beliefs such as:-
1. It is impolite or even boastful to agree with praise.
2. Accepting praise means being obligated or grateful to someone.

This then leads you to:-
1. Shrug off the praise.
2. Put yourself down.
3. Return the praise.
4. Challenge the judgement.
5. Put the other person down.
6. Be boastful.

Receiving Praise Assertively
1. Keep your response short.
2. Simply thank the person.
3. Agree with or accept the praise.
4. If the praise is for your firm, your product, etc., promise to pass it on and do so.

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