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| Home • What panic is • Anger • Anxiety • Depression • Phobia • Self Help Info • Links • News Submenu :- Personal Influence The medium by which people influence each other is called communication
and when a person influences the behaviour of another, they are communicating
- even if no words are spoken. The theory of communication between two
people talking to each other is referred to as the transmitter (A) and
the receiver (B). Diagrammatically it can look like this.
A -----------------------> B A <--------- B The two arrows emphasise the point that communication only takes place
when B gives feedback to A. It is not what “A” says which is true, but what “B” understands We all process the information we receive, and what we understand to be real is simply our perception of the truth. Recognising this, “A” needs to make sure that his communication is as clear as possible. In other words, who ever communicates information to another must make sure the receiver has picked up the information correctly. It is the transmitter’s responsibility to elicit feedback. This leads to the communication “law” number 2 if “B” misinterprets the information “A” has given them, is it “A’s” fault? Communication involves more that the words spoken and even if it is only cold silence or withdrawal it is impossible not to communicate. The very presence of another person is enough to make us change our behaviour. Thus communication “law” number 3 is:- IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE TO COMMUNICATE How we are influenced is affected not only by what is said (content), but how it is said (the relationship it implies). All communication has two aspects. Content We can be influenced by the facts, opinions and suggestions put forward. We are influenced by the additional content. Relationship We are also influenced by the way the content is presented and the Relationship
it suggests between us and the speaker EVERY TYPE OF COMMUNICATION HAS BOTH A CONTENT ASPECT AND A RELATIONSHIP ASPECT Take, for example, the responses: “We are unable to accept your findings as they do not take into account the inflation rate”, and, ‘This is abysmal, we can’t accept this!”. Both have approximately the same content but define very different relationships. This relationship aspect, which is part of all communication, establishes the way in which the content is to be received. When communication is assertive, the relationship is established as honest, direct and fair. Thus more detailed attention can be directed towards the content. Where it is aggressive, passive or devious (indirect aggression), the relationship itself limits the content and the information that can be discussed.
The Art of Listening 1. Introduction The positive effects of good listening upon and situations in all aspects of business cannot be over-emphasised. It is claimed that managers spend between 40-65% of their day listening. Given the amount of time listening takes in business situations, it is crucial that it is well done. How can we tell if we are good listeners? How can we tell when we need to improve these listening skills? What can be done to improve them? Simple tests demonstrate that we all significantly over-estimate our skills as listeners, often by well over 50%, in terms of how much information we think we have understood and retained. 2. Where Listening is Important The answer is everywhere. It is clearly in general management and in personnel management and in personnel management, and in activities such as interviewing, negotiation, coaching and appraisal. But it is equally important in areas which are perhaps more usually seen as situations of persuading or telling. In accounting or in sales, the ability to listen will tell the accountant or the salesperson as much about a situation they are dealing with as will their prior knowledge or expertise. In general, any situation involving communication requires listening skills. The more we are dealing with situations in which we are expert and knowledgeable the more we have to be aware of our tendency not to listen because we have already made up our minds. 3. Why is listening Difficult? The reason why listening does not come easily to us fall under five main headings. Society Rewards the Talkers. The main reason stems right back to our earliest conditioning and upbringing. Right from the cradle we learn that making a noise brings attention and satisfaction. As children, the noisiest and loudest often become the leaders and innovators of childhood games and activities. Even in formal education the children who always answer the questions, and who speak out clearly and distinctly, are the more favoured and praised. All this is important. We need to learn to speak well and effectively, but the balance is such that listening becomes seen as passive, as indicating a submissive position and as showing us up as having nothing to say. In adult and in business life this trend continues when again, people who make the most noise often gain more attention than they deserve and the quiet are written off as having nothing much to say. In short, talking gains us attention whereas listening loses it. I’m More Important Than You Listening means paying attention to someone else’s needs and concerns when clearly, for most of us, our own needs are more important-the interest part of the conversation begins when we get a chance to talk. For some people, listening is frankly boring and irksome. We have all been at the receiving end of listeners who carry on with other activities or who allow their eyes to gaze glassily on the middle distance. How difficult it is to continue to converse when this happens. Thoughts Are Faster Than Words Another big problem is that we can think much faster than we speak. This obviously means that listeners have ‘time available’ which can either be put to good use, by allowing distractions and their own thoughts to intrude.
Past Experience and Learning Our ability to understand everything we are currently dealing with depends on our past learning and experience of similar and people. Depending on our past experience, we will have a set of attitudes, beliefs and assumptions. These can work to help us understand the present situation, but they can also easily lead to pre judgement, to hasty conclusions and to hearing what we want to hear. We’re Not So Good at Speaking Either Finally, the fault is not all with the listener. As speakers we often send mixed messages. We use language and speech patterns which are not suitable, are uninteresting, or we simply send too much information. Thus we make it hard for listeners to absorb and understand what we mean.
4. Poor Listening Poor listening shows itself in many ways. Certain types of behaviour do, however, seem to be particularly common. Fidgeting Body language and gestures clearly indicate our lack of interest in anything that doesn’t immediately seem to relate to us. Listening is regarded as an imposition, it is passive and is likely to lose us a dominant position in any interaction. Aggressive Listening Knowing that listening is important, we try so hard to be good listeners that we intimidate others by staring and by remarks such as “Come on, I am listening”. Intellectual Listening In this case we listen only to the words and are deaf to the emotions behind them. As a result, we become easily bored because we have heard it all before. We are quick with solutions while speakers really want someone to talk to and can easily think of a solution themselves.
Over Passive Listening We feel we have little to contribute and will nod agreement with anything said to us. By failing to communicate any sincerity, we may miss a lot we should be hearing. Prejudiced Listening We are often unable to separate what we hear from preconceptions or from our own emotional concerns and interests. Depending on our political views, for example, no conservative or socialist could ever have anything useful to say. We will all from time to time display some of these characteristics, especially when we are under time pressure or have our own worries or concerns. At these times, we should be particularly careful otherwise our listening will not be as efficient as it should be. 5. The Keys to Good Listening Listening skills can be markedly improved by attention to the following points and by practising them frequently. Learn to Tolerate Silence Most people are embarrassed by silence and when someone dries up we rush to fill the gap. Good listeners are not afraid of silence. Mozart said it was the most profound sound in music. Silence allows time for thoughts to be gathered and it can also be used to apply gentle pressure on others to elaborate, without giving your own position away or putting words into their mouth. Look and Listen Hard As we talk, we reveal ourselves. Unless we closely observe people, we will miss well over half of the message they are conveying through emphasis in voice, body language and eye contact. Research has shown that the impact of face-to-face communication is made up as follows:- Total impact = 10% verbal + 40% vocal tunes and emphases = 50% facial and postural.
Know your Power as a Listener The careful listener is not passive, but has real power. We mentioned the power of silence earlier. A poor listener can destroy the speaker’s confidence in his/her ability to communicate. This is especially important when people are clearly upset, inexperienced or junior in status. Ask Questions Not just to be polite, but to clarify what is being communicated. Don’t be afraid to admit you don’t understand or to ask for r repetition. Keep your questions open-ended and avoid putting answers into people’s mouths. Reflect Feelings When someone shows emotion, indicate that you recognise this. Use paraphrasing
to reflect the meaning that is coming ac Use your Body Language Make sure that your body language - eye contact, expression, gestures and posture - demonstrates an interest in the speaker. Know Your Own Emotional Biases Recognises your own preferences and prejudices - try to allow for them in anything you hear. We can never be completely free of emotional filters and we are all subject to them. Be particularly on guard when dealing with people or situations we dislike or fundamentally do not agree with. Experiments show how people will interpret identical messages differently if they are told different original sources for the message. Avoid Judging Good listeners create warm, non-judgmental atmospheres and, of course, they learn far more as a result. Speakers become defensive and clam up the more they feel under judgement or evaluation. ‘Why don’t...?’ type questions can create this defensiveness. Hear people out; then you may be able to act on the full story rather than on unreliable fragments.
The Main Trouble Spot The biggest trouble spot for most listeners is their own anger. When we are attacked verbally we become defensive or angry and our listening power is correspondingly decreased. Similarly, when the speaker is angry, we must keep our cool and try to defuse the emotion so that more effective communication can be established. Other Aids to Listening Efficient note-taking should be developed as an aid to retention. Given the number of conversations a manager can be involved in during a working day, without notes, mistakes will be made and important details forgotten. Tape recorders can be useful. 6. Handling Poor Listeners One way is to know what their biases and emotional blind spots are and try to avoid them. More time will be needed with them and they should be encouraged to repeat back what you have said. Written notes can be produced as you go along as a summary of what was agreed. 7. Conclusion Given the amount of time we spend doing it, listening is a business activity too easily underestimated or dismissed. It has been called the missing link in communication and it is clearly a skill worth developing. The good listener is definitely at an advantage in any business interactions. Listening is much more than a passive way of receiving information. In any meeting, the listener shares with the speaker a large part of the responsibility for the success of the communication that is being attempted.
Active Listening Active listening communicates to the other party that:-
The object is to communicate that whatever the qualities of the ideas, events, attitudes and values of the person who is talking, the listener does not judge the person for his ideas or feelings. The skills of active listening are demanding but learnable. Some of the guidelines for learning them suggested below may seem awkward and forced at first, but with practice they will feel more natural. It is difficult to respond with patience, understanding and empathy when the other is expressing ideas which one feels to be illogical, self-deceiving, or even morally wrong. However, the techniques suggested below will, if practised, generate attitudes of tolerance and understanding which will make empathy and non-judgmental acceptance of the other come more easily. Attending Skills a) Adopt a posture of involvement, by:-
b) Exhibit appropriate body motion, by:-
c) Maintain eye contact (don’t stare!) :-
Following Skills The listener’s prime task is to listen. This may seem obvious, but listening is not possible if you interrupt frequently and divert the speaker by asking too many questions or making many statements. “Following skills” encourage effective listening:- a) Invitations to talk. If the interviewee needs encouragement to talk, or is unsure about saying more, the interviewer will need to encourage him in a non coercive manner. Sometimes, remaining silent and attending (by eye contact and adopting a posture of involvement) to demonstrate your interest, will be sufficient. Verbal statements such as “Please go on”, “That’s interesting, what happened next?’~, encouraged the interviewee and invite further contributions. b) Even if the interviewee is speaking freely you can indicate that you are still with him e.g. “Really?”, “And”, “I see”. These “minimal encourages” do not interrupt the flow of talk but do communicate empathy. They do not suggest either agreement or disagreement. c) When one hasn’t heard or understood enough yet to follow up with indications of understanding, empathy and acceptance, one can at least communicate interest in hearing more. Phrases such as the following are useful:- “Tell me a bit more about that.” “How did you feel when “How did it come about that “What happened then?” Open ended requests to say more are generally preferable to pointed questions in this context. Do not ask too many questions. Probing questions may lead to more and more exposure of the speaker, without letting him know how you are receiving and evaluating the communication. To maintain balance, questions should not be used exclusively, but should be followed after a period by rephrasing or reflecting (see “Reflecting Skills”). d). A lot can be achieved by remaining attentively silent. The interviewee is given time to think, reflect and decide how to proceed. Silence encourages the interviewee to go further. You show that you are waiting for more but do not want to lead the discussions along the a particular path. It is important to continue attending the other person and consider your own responses during the periods of silence. Many people find silence uncomfortable, but such pauses are a valuable listening skill.
Reflecting Skills a) Paraphrasing content Rephrase what the speaker has said in your own words, and repeat it back to test whether you have heard accurately e.g. “As I understand it, what you’re saying is “Do you mean that ... “So your point is that ... The key to this is that you have to listen really intently to what the other is saying. If you spend the time when the other is talking, thinking of what you are going to say next, or making mental evaluations and critical comments, you are not likely to hear enough of it to paraphrase it accurately. it is important not to “parrot” back what the person says, but to put it in your own words. It is helpful to paraphrase fairly often, so that you remain in the mental state of doing it. You may even interrupt gently to do so. People usually don’t mind interruptions which communicate understanding, since such interruptions leave the talker in control of the discussion. b) Reflecting implications This requires going a bit beyond the content of what the other is saying, and indicating to the speaker your appreciation of where the content is leading. It may take the form of building on or extending, the ideas of the speaker, using such phrases as:- “So if you did that, you’d then be in a position to... “So that might lead to a situation in which... “Are you suggesting that we might... “Would that help with the problem of ... It is important in reflecting the implications to leave the speaker in control of the discussion. When this technique is used to change the direction of the speaker’s thinking or to show how much more clever the listener is by suggesting ideas the speaker has not thought of, it ceases to build trust and becomes a kind of skilful one-upmanship. When, however, this technique is genuinely used to help the speaker, it communicates very strongly that the listener has really heard and understood. C) Reflecting the underlying feelings This technique brings into the open some of the feelings, attitudes, beliefs or values which may be influencing the speaker. Try to empathise, to put yourself in the place of the speaker, to experience how it must feel to be in his situation. Then tentatively express the feelings, using such phrases as:- “I suppose that must make you rather annoyed.” “If that happened to me. I’d be very upset.” “I suppose that must have pleased you a lot.” “Times when I’ve been in that sort of situation. I’ve really felt I could use some help.” “That must have been satisfying.” “I suppose you thought you could hardly be expected to do any more.” Delicacy is required here in order not to over-expose the speaker or press him to admit to more than he would like to reveal. It is also important to avoid suggesting to the other speaker that the feeling you reflect is what he ought to feel in such a situation, when what you are trying to do is to communicate acceptance of the underlying feelings. Often acceptance or evaluation is than by the words used. Sometimes you can reflect both feelings and the facts associated with the feelings e.g. “You feel (feeling) because (event associated with feeling)” “You are frustrated because the system of controls is not operating as intended.”
(Adapted from People Skills’ by Robert Bolton. Prentice)
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