Home > Anger > Anger Management

Submenu :-
Causes | Assertive Response to Anger | Assertiveness | Communication | Anger Management

HOW TO RESOLVE ANGER PROBLEMS - TECHNIQUES OF ANGER MANAGEMENT

At this point you have hopefully realised that even though anger is a complex thing, there is a great deal that is known about it and much that can be done about it. Now that you have learned many things about anger in general, you are in a better position to be able to deal with anger and its causes in your own life. The more informed you are about something, the easier it is to change it.

You should know by now, anger management does not mean suppressing your anger or keeping a tight lid on it. Anger management means learning how to not get angry so often, how to keep it at low levels of intensity, and how to prevent it from lasting too long. Having a short fuse means that we react very quickly to too many things. Anger that lasts too long is heavy baggage that drains our energy. Anger management keeps us from being the victims of our own anger. When the time comes that anger is called for or justified, we can then feel more comfortable with being angry since we understand it and know what to do with it.

Anger management means taking action that is aimed at resolving a problem. It involves learning how to be task-oriented. This means facing problems squarely in the face but without hostility. Confrontation can be constructive - it requires not taking things personally, sticking to the issues, and knowing how to say things. Hostility cuts, picks at, shoves and kicks. Constructive confrontation involves good judgement, diplomacy, and firmness. Self-awareness, self-confidence, and communication skills are the keys.

Just as we examined the causes of anger in terms of thoughts, arousal and behaviour, we will now discuss the regulation of anger from these same three standpoints.

Thought Controls

1. Understanding your own feelings

A first step in anger control is to become an expert about your own anger patterns, knowing when you are angry and exactly what has made you angry. An important part of self-control is being in tune with your feelings and the things that arouse them. The first part of this text was intended to help with exactly this. But, in addition to the background knowledge about anger in general, you need to be informed about your personal anger patterns.

A useful and important way to become educated about your anger patterns is to keep a diary record of anger incidents. In this diary you should record the anger incident and your anger intensity. You might also record the duration of anger, and how you expressed it. By keeping the anger diary we can discover the situations that are linked to anger for you and begin to realise when anger was not necessary or in your best interest. Unnecessary anger is often due to fatigue, pressures, conflict and even insecurity. The diary listing can tell us when we are over-reacting or when it is not so much the situation but your approach to it that has produced the anger.

A second step is learning how to change your views or thoughts about these situations. As you should recall, anger can be a result of many things that go on in your head, like unrealistic expectations, or the exaggerated way that we take things personally. Instead of being locked into these anger causing thoughts, you need to be able to see things from different angles or perspectives. Sometimes this requires that you step back and look at a situation from a distance, as though you were an outside observer. And instead of being provoked by your thoughts you can use your own thoughts as self-instructions that will regulate anger and guide your behaviour.

2. Adjusting How You Think

Remember that anger results from four key aspects of things that go on in your head: attentional focus, expectations, appraisals and self-statements. You can begin to adjust your thinking in these areas and get rapid gains in anger control.

(a) Attentional Focus

How often do you find yourself dwelling on some annoying thing that happened hours or days before? Do you ever find yourself paying attention to some isolated aspect of a situation, which does make you angry, ignoring many other aspects which do not make you angry? Have you been distracted from getting work done because your mind is fixed on something annoying? Are you not enjoying yourself when you are with pleasant company because you keep thinking about some nuisance or irritation? These are all matters of attentional focus. To be angry about something you must pay attention to it.

Start to examine the things that you pay attention to. If paying attention to something that makes you angry doesn’t accomplish anything, then stop paying attention to it. This, of course, isn’t so simple because it is sometimes hard to know whether there is something to be gained by giving events or circumstances your attention. However, you can know that it would be wise to refocus your attention if you are being distracted from work or enjoying good things, if you are in a rut, continuing to dwell on something again and again, or if you are paying attention to somebody that has just “pushed your button.” Each of these circumstances involved anger that is non-productive and self-defeating.

(b) Expectations

How often to you get upset because something didn’t “go the way it was supposed to” or because someone “goofed up” or because you yourself made a mistake? How much of your anger is a direct result of the sheer number of things you try to accomplish day after day? Are you routinely getting mad at somebody because you are mentally set to see them do something or hear them say something which lights your fuse?

If your expectations are too high or unrealistic, you set yourself up for anger and disappointment. There is nothing necessarily wrong with having high expectations, if what that means is having high standards or ambitious goals. What is important is that your expectations be realistic and flexible. Expectations should be linked to situations, and you must be able to adjust your expectations according to the situation. Being realistic implies making adjustments. What is unrealistic this week may be quite realistic next week or next month. Maintain your high standards and goals, but be patient with yourself and with others.

(c) Appraisals

There is no better antidote for anger than having a positive frame of mind. Anger is rooted in negative thinking. It is fuelled by being preoccupied with the things that have gone wrong. One way to combat this negative syndrome is to maintain a constructive outlook about yourself and others.

An important part of maintaining a constructive outlook is to develop and keep your sense of humour. If you have a job with many pressures and responsibilities, and/or if you have many family responsibilities, you cannot survive happily unless you keep things in perspective. Be serious about your responsibilities, but don’t take things too seriously. You must be able to step back and see everything in balance. Humour is an important ally. When you lose your sense of humour, that can be a sign that you are on edge and are taking things too seriously. Anger is often the product of losing perspective.

Another way of understanding this is to recall how on some occasions you have gotten mad about some minor thing and then later on or the next day you realise that this wasn’t anything to be so upset about. This is because you were able to see things in a different light or to put it in perspective. On the other hand, if you remain locked into your initial point of view as the only point of view, the anger will remain. A rigid or inflexible mentality is a sure-fire way to get angry and stay angry. You must learn to be able to see things from alternative viewpoints.

Each of us looks at the world through our own pair of glasses. Learning to understand things from the other person’s viewpoint can help prevent anger and keep it from becoming too intense. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes; see the situation from their eyes and in terms of their needs and responsibilities. Know where the other person is coming from, and remember to the other guy you are the other guy.

Another important way to combat the negative syndrome that is associated with anger is to be task-oriented. This is both a mental or cognitive skill and a behavioural skill. Being task-oriented is the best way to keep from taking things personally. To be task-oriented you must have a clear sense of what has to be accomplished and then direct your attention and energy to getting it done. Know what has to be done, keep your mind on that objective, think about nothing else, and stay focused on what you need to do to accomplish this objective.

3. Self-Instructions: Coping by Talking to Yourself

The things you say to yourself can make you upset and can prolong the emotional upset
long after it might otherwise have passed.

Just as our self-statements can stir up and prolong anger, they can also be used to regulate and control it. Here they can effectively take the form of self-instructions to guide the process of coping with aggravation and conflict.

The way self-instruction works is to first break down the anger experience into a sequence of stages. This helps us deal with the whole provocation one part at a time rather than all at once. Here is how the stages go:

(a) Preparing for Provocation -when you know that you will soon face something that is going to make you angry. This is not always possible, as anger often happens spontaneously without warning. But when a problem is anticipated, you are then able to work out a strategy for coping with it in advance. This also helps you develop a mental set that is conducive to anger control.

(b) Impact and Confrontation - this is the immediate experience of the provocation. It either happens suddenly or it gradually develops. At this point you recognise that you are in a situation that provokes anger. The early signs of anger become signals or cues to cope.

(c) Coping with Arousal - agitation and tension begin to set in as the provocation progresses. This stage is included to cover the possibility that your attempts at anger management may not be successful. This may be due to a variety of reasons, including the severity of the provocation. Anger escalates as antagonism builds and diminishes as resolution is achieved. Mastery is an ideal that is not always possible to achieve.

(d) Reflecting on the Provocation - this is often a time when you remind yourself about what upset you. Sometimes you re-live the experience or even evaluate its effect on you. After a provocation the kinds of thoughts and feelings that we have depend upon the outcome of the conflict. If the conflict remains unresolved, continued coping is necessary. If the conflict is resolved, it is time for self-praise.

By reviewing anger as something that happens as a series of stages, we thereby break the provocation down into separate chunks. We may find that we do better or worse in one of these stages than in the others. Working with separate chunks makes the anger problem more manageable. It also enables us to use self-statements for more specific purposes of coping.

Listed below are some self-statements that can be used as instructions to yourself that will help you manage anger. These are offered as examples. Each of them is not suitable for every situation or for every person. You should try to come up with your own set of self-statements that will help you manage anger.

A. Preparing for Provocation

This is going to upset me, but I know how to deal with it.

What is it that I have to do?

I can work out a plan to handle this.

Remember, stick to the issues and don't take it personally.

I can manage the situation. I know how to regulate my anger.

If I find myself getting upset, I’ll know what to do.

There won’t be any need for an argument.

Try not to take this too seriously.

This could be a testy situation, but I believe in myself.

Time for a few deep breaths of relaxation. Feel comfortable, relaxed and at ease.

Easy does it. Remember to keep your sense of humour.

B. Impact and Confrontation

Stay calm. Just continue to relax.

As long as I keep my cool, I’m in control.

Just roll with the punches; don’t get bent out of shape.

Think of what you want to get out of this.

You don’t need to prove yourself.

There is no point in getting mad.

Don’t make more out of this than you have to.

I’m not going to let him get to me.

Look for the positives. Don’t assume the worst or jump to conclusions.

It’s really a shame that she has to act like this.

For someone to be that irritable, he must be awfully unhappy.

If I start to get mad, I’ll just be banging my head against the wall so I might as well just relax. There is no need to doubt myself.

What he says doesn’t matter. I’m on top of this situation and in control.

C. Coping with Arousal

My muscles are starting to feel tight. Time to relax and slow down.

Getting upset won’t help.

It’s just not worth it to get so angry.

I’ll let him make a fool of himself.

I have a right to be annoyed but let’s keep the lid on.

Time to take a deep breath.

Let’s take the issue point by point.

My anger is a signal of what I need to do. Time to instruct myself.

I’m not going to get pushed around, but I’m not going haywire either.

Try to reason it out. Treat each other with respect.

Let’s try a co-operative approach. Maybe we are both right.

Negatives lead to more negatives. Work constructively.

He’d probably like me to get really angry. Well I’m going to disappoint him.

I can’t expect people to act the way I want them to.

Take it easy. Don’t get pushy.

D. Reflecting on the Provocation

(a) When Conflict is Unresolved

Forget about the aggravation. Thinking about it only makes you upset.

These are difficult situations, and they take time to straighten out.

Try to shake it off. Don’t let it interfere with your job.

I’ll get better at this as I get more practice.

Remember relaxation. It’s a lot better than anger.

Can you laugh about it? It’s probably not so serious.

Don’t take it personally.

Take a deep breath and think positive thoughts.

(b) When Conflict is Resolved or coping is successful

I handled that one pretty well. It worked!

That wasn’t as hard as I thought.

It could have been a lot worse.

I could have gotten more upset than it was worth.

I actually got through that without getting angry.

My pride can sure get me into trouble, but when I don’t take things too seriously, I’m better off.

I guess I’ve been getting upset for too long when it wasn’t even necessary.

I’m doing better at this all the time.

The idea of self instructions is to guide your thoughts, feelings, and actions in a way that deals with a particular problem or situation. Therefore, you do not need to come up with self-statements and simplistic “positive thinking”, such as making mindless statements to yourself to “not be bothered by this or that” or to tell yourself that some obnoxious person is “really a nice guy” or to say over and over again that “everything is fine”. There is no reason to believe that such simple-minded messages will be helpful. They can even make someone more angry.

To use self-instructions effectively you must (1) understand your own anger patterns, (2) be able to adjust how you think about situations, (3) breakdown the provocation into stages, and (4) use self-statements that can get you to refocus, think constructively, and take corrective action.

AROUSAL AND TENSION REDUCTION

You can’t be angry and relaxed at the same time. Anger is linked with tension. Because anger mobilises the body’s resources, it get you into high gear. That means your heart beats faster, you breathe quicker, your blood pressure goes up, and your muscles get tight. What it also means is that the more tense you are ordinarily, the easier it is to get angry. When you are up-tight, little things seem like big things.

Your therapist or counsellor will introduce you to what is known as deep-muscle relaxation and deep breathing. These are techniques that will enable you to lower your level of tension. You will be shown ways of relaxing mentally as well as physically. Once learned, these procedures can be used at various times throughout the day and have very definite effects in lowering your blood pressure and heart rate.

There are two purposes to the relaxation part of the treatment. The first is to reduce your overall tension level so that your mental and physical energy is not spent needlessly. The second, and most important, is that you learn that you are able to control how you feel. When you have had a rough day, the relaxation techniques can help settle your nerves - it’s like inducing a light sleep that restores your energy and balance. Also, knowing how to take a deep breath and use calming self-statements can be an effective way to cope with a provocation.

The many pressures of life create stress on our body’s systems. When the stress is high enough, our internal systems become disordered. Learning techniques of relaxation helps to bring our body back to a state of harmony. When there is no harmony within we can hardly expect our relationships with others to be harmonious. Relaxation is the achievement of inner peace. As you learn how to relax and that you are able to relax, you acquire a fundamental way of controlling anger.

Regulating your level of arousal and tension can best be achieved if you can establish a programme of activity that is designed to meet the goal. This might involve routine use of the relaxation techniques, medication, or aerobic exercise. It could also simply be taking a period of an hour to enjoy something like music, art or photography. Ideally, you would put together some combination of these tension reduction activities and monitor the effects on your arousal and mood.

Just as relaxation and anger are incompatible, so too with humour. Real laughter is a release. It is a look at the lighter side of things. Anger comes from seriousness and heavy concerns. Humour is an attempt to take some distance from life’s aggravations. Have you every noticed that the content of much of our comedy is exactly about things that otherwise make us mad? Jokes about bosses, spouses, mothers-in-law, politicians, and endless circumstances of frustration are all efforts to convert anger to humour. When we say that someone “can’t take a joke” we are usually referring to their reaction of anger instead of an ability to laugh.

This is not to say that the world should be one big comedy. Life for most of us is serious business. But sometimes we take ourselves too seriously. Humour reflects an ability to take some distance from life’s heavier side. It is also a way that can help us to appreciate the positives rather than dwell on the negatives. Anger is often the result of us being too hard on ourselves and others. When we demand perfection of ourselves and others we lose sight of the good things because our eyes stay glued to shortcomings. All we tend to see then are weaknesses and disappointments. By keeping our sense of humour we can free ourselves from those self-imposed burdens. Remember the last time you had a good hearty laugh? Your face was bright, your eyes glistened, and your body and mind were relaxed and at ease.

Behavioural Controls

Anger tells us a lot about ourselves. It means that we don’t like being told what to do, we don’t like getting pushed around, we don’t like inconsiderate or abusive people, and we don’t like being ignored, taken advantage of, being short-changed, or being treated as though we are stupid. It also means that sometimes we’d like to haul-off and clobber somebody.

When your anger gets out of control, you can make matters worse and do things that you later regret. When anger is too high you can act before you think. Your own behaviour then aggravates the situation. Anger is different from aggression, but anger easily turns into aggression. If you over-react with antagonism, that antagonism inflames your anger. This is sometimes the result of simply not knowing how to settle a dispute or how to go about saying what you want to say.

On the other hand, anger can also become a problem if you back off from a conflict because your are afraid of what you will do. Sometimes you may be worried that the intense feelings will be too much to handle if you stay in there and confront the problem. Again, remember that anger is different from aggression. There are ways to square-off with someone who is upsetting you without losing control. This does take practice. If you do become angry, you must keep the arousal at low levels and use that arousal to be assertive. Through guided practice on those situations that do arouse anger, you will gradually feel more comfortable about knowing what to do and how to do it.

The key to efficient expression of anger is learning how to be task-oriented. This means taking a problem-solving approach to provocation. When you get angry that anger is due to something being different from what you would like it to be. Being task-oriented means directing your behaviour to correct a situation or to get what you want out of that situation. It means taking action that is aimed at resolving the problem at hand. Therefore, being task-oriented is a behavioural as well as a cognitive skill.

Recall what was said earlier about being task-oriented as a cognitive skill. It involves knowing what has to be done and keeping your mind on that objective, thinking about nothing else. Behaviourally you must then do things that will accomplish the objective. But remember take it one step at a time. Some problems can’t be resolved in the immediate situation. Sometimes the wisest thing to do is to arrange to discuss the problem at a later time when tempers cool down or when someone is less emotionally upset.

Taking action to correct a problem often does not involve confrontation. This is a matter of both diplomacy and strategy. First, if you remember what was said about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, confrontation may be inappropriate because it shows no regard for the other person’s needs and responsibilities. Diplomacy involves mutual respect, and therefore you should consider problem-solving alternatives that recognise the other person’s worth. Secondly, there is no good reason to butt your head into a wall if you can get around the barrier.

Anger is a self-imposed handicap in a problem situation. What you want are results. Sometimes raising your voice or flexing your muscles can get results. But don’t assume these simplistic effects have any relevance to complex or long-term problems and conflicts. To get lasting results you have to stick to the issues in a reasoned but determined way. Be smart, be patient, and be determined.

To a large extent the management of anger involves skills in communication. Being able to communicate angry feelings, in an effective, non-hostile form is a central skill in anger management. If you can learn to tell someone respectfully that you feel angry, tell them what has made you angry, and tell them how you’d like them to act differently. This has several important effects. It helps control the build-up anger, it prevents an aggressive over-reaction, and it provides a basis for changing the situation that has caused the anger. Situations are not settled by hostility. They can only be settled by clear communication of feelings in a way that the other person can deal with constructively.

A final and important point is that sometimes the wrong people bear the brunt of our anger. When things do not go well at work, family members often catch the flak. Anger that is meant for one person sometimes ends up being directed at someone else. When this happens, our relationships suffer and that takes its toll on us. Clearly then, we have to learn how to express anger at the right time, with the right person, and in the right way. But in addition you must realise that supportive social relationships are helpful in many ways for dealing with anger.

When something has really gotten to you, it is important to have a trusted friend who is able to listen and perhaps help you get a better perspective on the problem. Sometimes you will need someone to sit there while you let off steam. This of course may not solve very much, although at times you might then realise that you had become more upset than it was worth and maybe even have a laugh. But friends and loved ones who are not entangled in a conflict that is upsetting to you can provide helpful suggestions about how to deal with certain people or support the steps you need to take to deal with the situation. Above all else, supportive relationships give you the sense that you are cared for and respected. They help foster that positive frame of mind that is essential to preventing and erasing anger.

Submenu :-
Causes | Assertive Response to Anger | Assertiveness | Communication | Anger Management

ˆ top

www.cragface.co.uk

All the information you need to help you stop panicking and start living,
with the help of this free website